I find it kinda funny. I find it kinda sad.

Sun, 17 Apr 2005 20:24:20 GMT

Alright People!!

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 23:05:21 GMT

Alright, if you want to continue to be a part of my livejournal life, you much switch over to my NEW journal: New_Age_Gore
It's friend's only so go comment to be added. NOW!!

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 01:11:33 GMT

Alright people. this think is getting frustrating. I need someone to go in there and make everything red, white, and black themed. I've done everything else. You can add cool effects if you want. Also, I keep only putting those three colors up and for some reason something yellow has come up...? Help!

News!!! YOU ALL NEED TO READ

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 23:25:48 GMT

Well, I'm changing my journal. Same layout, and everything, just new name. I need holding_marilyn to go into my name and copy and paste everything into my new journal to make it exactly like the one i have now. Also, I need you to post that friends only picture I commented on your thing about. My new journal is : New_Age_Gore
Same password. This will be FRIENDS ONLY

Alright people!

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 01:13:06 GMT

This will be my last public entry. My dearest, lovely friend holding_marilyn is working on a friends only sign for me. So, you know the drill. Leave a comment and I'll add you.

C'mon people!

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 00:22:50 GMT

Alright, who's willing to help a damsel in distress right here?? I really need help with the layout, so where's my knight in shining armor?C'mon anybody?!?!?

Desperately needed

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 02:23:34 GMT

I'm changing my layout and I desperately need help with it. If you actually know what you're doing, PLEASE help me!!! It's nothing complicated. Okay, you know how my little box's with text and entries is on the right...well I need it on the left. and I need this to be my background :http://blogsimages.skynet.be/images/000/204/006_Dj_Dita.jpg

If you want to help me, please do so! Just comment so I can give you my password to do it. I love you guys!

Comment and fill this out!

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 02:01:47 GMT

1. What is your name?
Brielle

2.What color underwear are you wearing right now?
Black

3. What are you listening to right now?
MSI

4.What are the last two digits of your phone number?
70

5. What was the last thing you ate?
A blueberry muffin (my fav!)

6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
Tickle Me Pink

7. How is the weather right now?
Cold and windy

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Ian...

9.What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Don't know...

10. Favorite Food?
Blueberry muffin

11. Favorite Drink?
Cherry Coke

12. Favorite Alcoholic drink?
Green Apple Sweet and Sour Shnapps (sp?), that and Vodka

13. Favorite place to shop?
Thrift Stores

14. Hair Color?
Pink and Blue

15. Eye Color?
Blue,grey,green...take your pick

16. Do you wear contacts?
No,but I should

17. Last person you kissed?
Ian

18. Favorite Month?
January

19. Favorite Fast Food?
Wendy's

20. Last Movie you Watched?
Sin City

21. Favorite Day of the Year?
October 31

22. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Depending on who it is and how much I like them

23. Summer or Winter?
Winter

24. Hugs or Kisses?
Kisses

25. Chocolate or vanilla?
Vanilla

26. Fall or Spring?
Fall

27. Dream Car?
A corvette

28. Favorite state?
Anywhere but here!

29. Favorite Subject?
Art

30. What books are you reading?
None at the moment

31. What's on your mouse pad?
Nothing, it's just plain blue...boring eh?

32. Favorite Board Game?
Candy Land

33. What did you do last night?
Had a nervous breakdown, threatened to kill myself, cried myself to sleep,the usual

34. Favorite chill song?
NIN

35. What inspires you?
Music

36.Coke or Pepsi?
Coke!!!

37. Sweet or unsweetened tea?
Sweet

38. Favorite Flower?
Roses, I've ALWAYS wanted roses but no one's ever gotten them for me *pout*

39. What do you say when you wake up in the A.M.?
God damnit...

40. Do you still talk to your best friend from middle school?
Yep....

41. What's on your desk?
A diet coke and a blueberry muffin

42. Rock Concert or Symphony?
Rock Concert, depending on the band

43. Play or Opera?
Play

44. Have you ever fired a gun?
No

45. Do you like to travel by plane?
No

46. Right handed or left handed?
Right

47. Favorite Band?
Marilyn Manson, NIN, MSI, Nirvana, Queen, David Bowie, etc...

48. How many pillows do you sleep with?
2

49. State and city you were born?
Ft. Myers, Florida (Lee Memorial Hospital)

50. Ever hitchhiked?
No...

I want you.

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 23:59:52 GMT

So today was boring. I guess I've calmed down a little bit from yesterday. Believe me guys, I'm fine. Don't worry about stupid little me.I'm just a stupid little girl remember? Well, today I went to get my haircut. Exciting...yeah it turned out good and I like it. Not much else happened. I spent the day with my mom without her going on any extreme bipolar rages, so yeah I guess that's good?

MY LITTLE DOLLY
I'm just a stupid doll
Tattered and beaten by you.
My eyes have lost their gloss.
My heart is ripped in two.
I'm just your stupid plaything.
Worn from years of hurt.
My lips have lost their color.
My hands are crusted with dirt.
My hair is matted together.
The color is faded away.
My heart hurts more than ever.
All I want is to play.
All I want is your attention.
Anything to show you care.
A hug, A kiss, anything.
Just acknowledge I'm even there.
My eyes have lost their life.
There's nothing left but an empty shell.
No soul, no heart, not anything.
Just another doll to sell.
My porcelain skin is dirty.
My dress is torn and stained.
A beauty that used to be there
Is now replaced by pain.
Now I sit on this shelf.
A price around my wrist.
All I wanted was your love
Just to know that I exist.

What's the worst that I could say?

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 04:14:21 GMT

I'd love to just give in.
I'd love to believe this lie.
I'd love to just be numb.
I'd love to let you die.
Why can't you let me go?
Why can't you stop this pain?
Why won't it ever stop?
Why can't I just seem sane?
You were all I ever wanted
And now look what you've done
Please I'm begging, Let me go
Look, you've had your fun.
What am I supposed to say?
I would die just for you.
I hurt myself, died inside.
And you never even knew.
If I really hated you,
Then why am I hiding these tears?
Why am I giving in,
To every one of these fears?

Last Day On Earth

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 04:00:12 GMT

So, not much is up other than my whole world crashing around me. I've got nothing but self doubt and pain hiding behind every thought. I decided that within the next week, I'll be dead. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the bullshit, the lies. It's not fair to me. Or to anyone for that matter. So,expect new scars, expect new tears, expect more pain. I just wish you all could feel what I feel just so you knew what it was like. Joey, I love you. Cassie, I love you. Troy, I love you. Dawn, I love you. Even you richard...
Someone shoot me, or I'll do it myself.

Can you help me?

Sat, 02 Apr 2005 11:20:24 GMT

So, it's 5:52 AM and I can't sleep and ever key I hit sounds louder and louder. I miss her. She hasn't answered any of my letters. She promised she would. She was supposed to be the one I died with. I love her and now I know she's the only one that's loved me. I love her, and only her and I will for the rest of my life. I can't go through this again...She died before. I can't keep trying to accept that she's dead and then come to find out she's not. I just feel like I'm going insane. All I want is Addy. She is the only thing that will never hurt me. I really want to go kill myself. I feel so ugly outside and inside. The cutting doesn't help anymore. I can't even feel it. There are scars on my arm, that I don't even remember putting there. I promised her that I wouldn't do this to myself and now look at me.
I don't know what's happened to me. It's like all the life has been sucked out of me.I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I never will. Maybe things won't ever get better like I've always been told. I know that you guys don't want to hear this shit so if you haven't already closed this, you probably will soon. I know people care. I just don't know why they care. That, and their caring and love just don't seem to affect me.She was the only one who could ever get anything out of me.

Every bottle of pills I see
There's new hope in my eyes
Every razor hidden away
Cutting through my disguise

You promised this wouldn't happen
You promised you'd be there.
You said you'd always love me.
You said you'd always care.

You said you'd hold me close
If, and when I died.
But where the fuck were you
Everytime I cried?

Now that I finally need you
I find out you're not there.
I find out you never loved me.
I find out you never cared.

Now you see the real me
You've ripped away at my disguise
Ripping all the pieces
Ignoring all the cries.

I'm just a scared little girl
Who only needed a friend.
Someone to tell me that it's okay.
Someone to hold me in the end.

I sit alone in my corner
With all my tattered toys.
Separated from the world that hurt me.
Away from all the girls and boys.

My dress is stained with blood.
My arms are scarred and torn.
They never knew I was hurting
From the minute I was born.

Now you see this little girl.
And all she needed was a friend.
Someone to hold her when she cried.
Someone to make the pain finally end.

Bleh..

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 05:36:39 GMT

So, I had a chance to get drunk tonight but as usual it didn't work out. I really need it so most likely sometime this weekend or next week, I'll end up drinking alone and wallowing in my own self pity. So anyways...^_^ Yeah, I found out earlier that Ian wanted to break up with ME...or so everyone says. So it leaves me to wonder...if you claimed to have loved me and cared about me so much, what the fuck? I don't know. Maybe I don't deserve someone as good as he is. I hope that he finds someone who makes him happy and someone better than I'll ever be because he deserves it. So...now goes the search for a girlfriend. I don't know who it's going to be yet but I'm definately just taking it a little slow, ya know? I mean, I've had a girlfriend before, but this time I just want to take my time. So, not much is going on other than me feeling like total shit....SOMEONE SHOOT ME!

Full frontal drugs

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 22:01:55 GMT

So, I broke up with Ian. I think he's pretty pissed, but I mean think about it. It's like if he were dating a guy and he wasn't gay. I don't know. Part of me feels so relieved that I've gotten that over with and part of me feels really upset. Like maybe I made a mistake or something....Oh well, ever since I've come to realize this thing, I feel like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulder. I still feel like a horrible person. Hopefully the future holds more pleasant things for me although I'm sure Ian wishes differently.

to: ian

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 21:40:07 GMT

Ian,
hey. whats up? I know I've never written you a note before, but these are unusual circumstances. First of all, let me say thank you for all you've done for me. You were the only person to pick me back up and actually make me believe I was worth something. You made me feel alive again. But there is something you need to know. I've been battling with this for a while...and I need to let you know before this goes any further. Bleh..I'm gay. God, I feel like such an asshole telling you but it's who I am and now that I've fully realized it, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. In the beginning,when we first started dating, I just wanted to see if I was or not. I never expected you to love me or me to love you. I DO love you, just not in the same way you love me. I feel so bad for this. Believe me, I'd never intentionally cause you pain. That's why I'm telling you now. You deserve someone better than me anyways, even if I was straight. This is not something I'm doing just to hurt you or just an excuse to break up. It's who I am. I needed to do this for me. I still love you and I hope we can still be friends and talk. Maybe even hang out, but I just can't date you anymore. I hope you're not toomad at me and even if you are I deserve it. I'm so sorry...
Love,
Brielle

Nothing ever happened

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 18:16:01 GMT

Gah, last night was horrible. I officially broke down.I couldn't move, talk, walk...anything. I was completely helpless. Everyone wanted me to say something, anything, but I couldn't get any words out. I tried so hard to just say anything and I was just screaming "I'm okay!" down inside but it never came to the surface.Unfortunately the only thing that did come to the surface was every painful memory. Everytime I cried and wished my mother would hold me instead of scream at me, everytime I sat alone on the playground, everytime I wished someone was there, everytime someone hurt me, everytime I hurt myself, everytime I cried and felt so alone. I just broke down crying and sat in joey's chair and didn't move for hours or so it seemed. I physically could not move. I tried so hard, but nothing happened. I'm still feeling the same today but I'm in a less veggie-like stage. I don't feel like talking much and I just want to be alone. Actually I just want to see someone I love. I'm just freaked out right now. Someone shoot me or at least hand me the gun so I can do it myself.

sigh

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 21:23:57 GMT

Today was boring. Yesterday I went to the mall with Cassie and Ian. It was fun. We saw the ring 2 although some of it wasn't watched at all. Anyways...There's too much drama going on right now. Ian, I'm sorry about Cassie being here 24/7 but there's alot of tension between her and joey right now. Joey, I'm sorry you think we're talking shit about you but you know me better than that and if you think for a minute that I don't love you with all my heart, well then forget it. There's just too much confusion right now. I'm so confused about alot of things. I don't want to post them here because I'm scared of what some people might say. Cassie is the only person that knows. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore than I already have. I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I love Ian, but I'm confused right now. Maybe I just don't know what to do when I actually find something that's good for me. I don't know. Just don't talk shit about me unless you know the whole story. Cassie is the only one that knows the whole story so she's really the only person that can say anything right now. Bleh, I really wish I could just post everything here, but there's too many people that read this that I care about. I'm just hoping this is all resolved with time and it'll just go away, but it's who I am...so I don't know if it will. I'll be fine, don't worry about me guys.

Just below horrible....

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 12:27:37 GMT

Bleh..I just woke up and I'm waiting for Cassie to get here. I had a nightmare last night..They're getting more and more frequent and worse. This one wasn't as bad as some of the ones I've had but still pretty bad. Anyways, I'm hoping today will be a good day seeing as how cassie is going to be here and all. Ian wants 'alone' time with me and cassie and joey are always around. Everybody wants me to come over at one time and there's only one of me so I figured maybe if we all just hung out together it'd be okay. Apparently not.... I know what he means though and it's not fair to him. He's the best thing that's happened to me and the only guy I've dated that genuinly cares about me. He's been the only person that's helped me believe that maybe I'm not just a worthless piece of shit like my parents have led me to believe. Anyways, Cassie will be here any minute so I'll update later. Love you guys

Your mom...

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 17:30:05 GMT

Hmm Today was boring..considering I just woke up. Umm..not much is going on today. I'm going to see if tommorrow I can go to Cassie's or Joey's, or anyone's house that might want me. I'm feeling better though so I guess that's good. But you know me, one minute I'm happy and the next I'm ready to shoot myself so who knows what the next few days may hold. Umm I really don't know what to write about. Oh yeah...
To all my friends or even "special friends" -_^ : 'Lemme beat 'dem cheeks'

Long night....

Sat, 26 Mar 2005 16:32:23 GMT

So last night was Rocky...It was pretty fun. I wasn't in the best mood and I can't blame the people that didn't want to be around me because of it. It was mainly because Joey didn't want to go and I don't know, it just seems like she never wants to be with me anymore or do anything with me. She's one of the only people that means something,if not that most, to me so you can imagine why that hurts. Anyways, pretty much my whole world is crashing down around me, so I found it hard to concentrate on Rocky.
Later on, after we had dropped everyone off, me, troy, dawn, and some other guy went to a church. Then we sat in the girls bathroom and talked and then got kicked out. So then, we went to Wallmart which was fun. Troy got me a pink and white checkerboard bunny and I named him Rupert....it's our lovechild. He could tell I was pretty upset so he didn't want to leave me alone at Joey's. Then we all went to IHOP, though I didn't get anything. We still had a good time and Troy kept trying to get me to eat with the whole "Here comes the plane...". I just kept thinking....Who eats planes? After everyone went home, around 6:00, Troy and me came back here. After a half an hour to an hour he was out. Not to long after that I was out too. So, all in all, I still had a good night even though I'm going through a mid-life crisis and I'm only 15. Bye to everyone and I love you guys.

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 22:07:45 GMT

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
? I hugged you:
? I said I liked you:
? I kissed you:
? I lived next door to you:
? I commited suicide:
? I stole something:
? I was hospitalized:
? I ran away from home:
? I came to your doorstep crying that I had no place to go:
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:
? Personality:
? Eyes:
? Face:
? Hair:
? Lips:
WHAT ABOUT US:
? What do you think of me?
? What's the fondest memory you have of me?
? How long do you think we will be friends for?
? Do you love me?
? Have I ever hurt you?
? Would you hug me?
? Would you kiss me?
? Are we close?
? Emotionally, what stands out bout me?
? On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
? Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
? Am I loveable?
? How long have you known me?
? What was your first impression of me?
? Do you still think that way about me now?
? What do you think my weakness is?
? Do you think I'll get married?
? What about me makes you happy?
? What about me makes you sad?
? What reminds you of me?
? What's something you would change about me?
? Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
? Do you think I would kill someone?
? Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

You never ever believed in me....

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 02:22:40 GMT

Today was....bad. I don't know I just feel like shit right now. You know, like one of those " I want to drop off the face of the earth" kind of bad. Things have been going horribly and I wouldn't be surprised if I showed up to joey's house sobbing on Friday. Today was just bad. I wore a short sleeve shirt and a big coat thinking I'd be fine because it's always freezing in our school. Of course it wasn't so I had to take my jacket off and of course I'm very self concious about my scars. Everyone came up to me asking me about them like I was some kind of circus freak. It really made me feel overwhelmed. Then, just when I thought I was safe in my art class, Mat comes up and is like " What are those"... So I said "None of your business" Then he replies with "You're a cutter! Brielle's a Cutter! Cutter! Cutter! Cutter!" then he just starts going up to people telling them that. I wanted to cry so bad. And I ended up hitting him with the sharp edge of my ruler and leaving a 3 inch welt. I still felt like crying. I seriously just need someone right now to hold me while I cry. I broke down last night. I was going through old pictures and three in particular got to me: One where me dad was holding me, One where my mom was hugging me, and one where I was crying and my aunt was holding me. I just looked at pictures all night and cried so hard that I could barely breath. It was just like I wish things were still like that, and I wish I still had that innocence.
I really just want things to change for the better right now. I just don't know what to do. Everyone is breaking down and having their own problems, so of course mine are insignificant and unimportant. Everyone has their own problems to deal with, so I just don't know what to do. I really just want to cry and cry and cry in joey's arms, and I also just want to be strong for the people that can't be strong right now. I just know that I'm not strong inside. I know I never will be. All I want is a piece of what I used to be before all of this. I want Addy right now more than anything.

Bang

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 23:02:17 GMT

Today was interesting..... It started off shitty and ended shitty. It started off me being sick as hell. My stomach hurt so bad that I couldn't even stand up, yet somehow I managed to go to school after Bianca picked me up late. Then, all throughout the day I felt so weak. Every time I walked I felt like I was about to faint or collapse and I almost did a couple of times if I hadn't had something to grab onto. It was weird....
Then after school Bianca was supposed to drive me home so of course I waited...and waited....and waited....She never showed. Figures, she was out skipping school getting high with some guys......Just like herself. So I was left to walk to her house from the school. When I got there everything was fine until we got into a fight because she didn't seem to grasp that I was kidding when I said she was a slut.
Bianca : "I'm going to be such a slut when I grow up"
Me: "You're going to be? You already are!"
Then I explained that I was just messing around even though she does indeed happen to be a slut. I just said that she did want to sleep with Mike and she didn't even know him and that I just thought it was weird. I said it was her lifestyle and if it works for her then go for it, but to me it was weird She got offended which I still don't get, and ran to her kitchen and slammed the door. So I walked the fuck out and said fuck trying to be friends with her. I'm really tired of her playing the "poor pitiful me" card when she does this to herself. Her life isn't that bad. Her life is actually wonderful. She got caught shoplifting and isn't even grounded. She got a car before she even had a liscense or a permit! Her life revolves around pot and sex and it gets annoying. I just hope that one day she realizes what she does to people and that it's not to late. I'm tired of trying to offer her a real friendship and her just throwing it back in my face. Who wants to help me kill her?

Are you okay?

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 00:15:21 GMT

Today was very awkward and hard for me. Pretty much all day I was fighting back tears and the only one who seemed to even care was Crystal. She said that I needed to come over to her house so that we could talk. So I wrote a note as usual so that I could ride her bus. Then fourth block rolled around, AKA Hell. I swear the people in there have something against me. It's like they treat me like I don't deserve to be alive.My day was just steadily going worse so by the end of fourth block I was practically sobbing. No one noticed, or even seemed to care. All I could think about was joey and how much I miss her and how much she means to me. I wrote a note to you joey, although I don't know when I'll give it to you. I also wrote a note to Crystal. It explained almost everything that had been going wrong and the reasons of my mental breakdown. It was really long, but I thought that it was easier than trying to explain it in person. I gave her the note and she read it on the bus. She was sitting in the seat in front of me and I was sitting behind her. Then all of a sudden she jumps back into the seat with me to hold my hand and say "Awww I'm sorry". We talked for hours later at her house. I'm so glad to have someone like Crystal. She's really the only thing I have to hold on to at this school and I explained that to her.
Also, Tiff was pretty concerned for me. It was apparently obvious that I had been crying; I guess my makeup was running or something. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that it was too much to explain and I didn't have enough time. She gave me her number and told me to call her. I just realized that this is really the first time all year that I've shown any emotion at all at this school. No one knew anything was wrong until today. I was really happy to have Crystal around though. She probably saved me from myself today. I'm most likely going to write a note to Tiff as well to better explain myself and try to get them all to believe that I'm okay. I really was happy about having Crystal to talk to today. It was the first time that I didn't feel completely alone. By the way, thanks joey for filling out that thing. I would have replied but it wouldn't let me.

Fill this out people!

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 00:44:30 GMT

Do you know me?
Fill this out about me

1. My name:
2. Where did we meet?:
3. Take a stab at my middle name:
4. How long have you known me?:
5. How well do you know me (a lot, not so much, nothing)?:
6. Do I smoke?:
7. Whats my favourite colour?:
8. When you first saw me what was your first impression?
9. My age?:
10. My birthday?:
11. Color Hair?:
12. Color eyes?:
13. Have you ever had a crush on me?
14. Have you ever been jealous of me?
15. Whats one of my fav things to do indoors?:
16. Do you remember the first things I said to you when we first met?
17. Whats my fav type of music?:
18.Whats one of my fav things to do outdoors?:
19. Am I shy or outgoing?
20.Would you say Im funny HAHA or funny (sarcastic)?:
21. Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules?:
22. Would you consider me a friend?:
23. Would you call me preppy, slutty, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam,
snobby, or something else?:
24. Have you ever seen me cry?:
25. If there were one good nickname for me, what would it be?
26. Are my parents still together?:
27. Do I have a nice butt? )
28. If I had broccoli stuck on my teeth, would you tell me?
29. Do you love me?

AM I. ?!?!?!?

31. Quiet or loud?
31. Short or Tall:
32.Weird or original:
33. Smart or stupid?
34. Boring or Fun?
35. Attractive or Unattractive?

DO YOU THINK I'M... (yes or no, if u wanna say something extra say it)

36.A psycho?
38.Athletic?
39. A nerd?
40. A slut?
41. Ghetto?
42. A *itch?
43. Two-faced?
44. Obnoxious?
45. Immature?
46. Mature?

JUST A FEW MORE QUESTIONS
47. What do you think Ill be when I grow up?
48. A) Do you think Ill get married?
B) If you doWho do you think Ill marry?
50. Who is my best friend?
51. What song(if any)reminds you of me?
52. Do I remind you of any characters on TV?
53. If you could rename me, what would my name be?
54. Have you ever had a dream about me?
55. A feature that you like about me:
56. If you could give me anything, what would it be?

Okay, this is rather obvious, but for this next section, some of these you
only answer if you're not the same gender as the sender!

57. Am I physically ugly, average, decent, good-looking, beautiful, hot?
58. Would you ever kiss me?
59. Would you ever consider being my boyfriend/girlfriend?
60.Do you ever think about me?
61. If we spent a day together..where would we go and what would we do?
62. If you could describe me in one word, what would it be?
63. Do you or have you ever had a crush on me?
64. Do you want me?
65. What word do I say all the time?
66.If I was competing in an event would you cheer for me?
67. Is there anything youd like to say to me?